Saturday, 4 October 2014

Pregnancy - Losses & False Hope

Helloo,

Today I am talking about something quite serious and maybe upsetting for a few. So if this is a sensitive topic for you, please I advise you to not read on if you know it will upset you and that is not my intention.

Oh plus it is a super long one! It has taken me so unbelievably long to write this post, literally day after day I kept coming back but I could never get the words out and then to press the publish button was just so impossible.

Before I continue I will also be posting about premature babies soon ready for 'World Prematurity Day' on 17th November. Here is Corey at 4 weeks old on the NICU:



Talking about babies lets get on with today's post on pregnany false hope, miscarriages and still birth. 

It recently came to my attention on how common miscarriages, still births and baby deaths are. Not many of us like to share our experiences with this, even though sometimes talking can help. It depends on that individual. But more importantly, talking about it can help raise awareness. This week 9th - 15th October is actually 'Baby Loss Awareness Week'. More information is on the Sands (baby still birth and neonatal death) Charity by clicking here.

I too have been there, it was a few years ago now - way before my blogging days. I really don't want to even talk about it but it doesn't mean that every day I don't think about it. All that pain that comes with it. It was not a nice time in my life, certainly one of the worst. When I hear about other people who have gone through the same or similar, whether it be a celebrity, a fellow blogger, a friend or a stranger. My heart breaks for them knowing how they must be feeling and I can't help but cry.

Some of you may have known that recently I went through a break-up and still trying to mend my broken heart to be quite honest. That wasn't all though,  I thought I was pregnant and then time of the month was late, oh wow did I get excited and get my hopes up. It seems stupid to believe but there were signs, just horoscopes and stuff like that. But mine are always right and I was gutted when they were wrong. Even nausea though I was so ill for the whole week leading up to it.

I am probably as broody as it comes like I can't even describe how much I want another baby. I want that feeling again of growing a baby inside you, the newborn snuggles, the firsts (words, steps, shoes etc). I wanted Corey to be a big brother because I know he would of been an amazing big brother just like I would have been a good mummy to another!

Frankly, when my time of the month came, I was crushed. More than crushed, almost heart broken. I know it may sound silly to some because I didn't lose a child, not like last time any ways but I thought our time had come early, my hopes were raised and then it felt like my dream has now been taken from me.

I knew after a traumatic c-section and a miscarriage, I didn't think it would be easy to conceive - I knew there would be a problem. I just had that feeling. Next year with that said ex partner we were going to try for a baby. Obviously now that won't happen and maybe for the best as being a single mum to two wouldn't of been easy but it doesn't mean it still wasn't what I wanted.

One day my time will maybe come, that is if I can even conceive when that time comes. But god it feels like I may not get that chance now and how awful is that?

I am so lucky to have Corey, he is my best friend, my son, my whole world and so much more. I am so glad I have him by my side every day and I haven't been able to get upset around him as I don't want him to see his mummy cry. Even though he doesn't know it, he is helping me through! Just like my best friend Andrea from Blogger Mumma has been my absolute rock, I don't know what I would do without her right now. Every day she puts up with my texts, tears and moaning. She cheers me up and sends me videos of her singing along to Disney!

I know this experience I am going through is not pregnancy or baby loss, but to me at the moment it hurts. Especially as it is almost 3 years after my actual baby loss. I felt I couldn't really write this post because I felt I would be judged for what may seem like I am being upset over nothing but to me it is everything. But someone somewhere will probably be just as upset as I am too, I think I wrote this post so maybe someone will see it and not feel alone like I do.

People may say there is a way to get over a pregnancy or baby loss, but I don't think there is. That pain will never go away and it doesn't seem right to say it gets easier. I just think within time the pain becomes normal and you have no choice but to live daily life.

It was only until I had become a blogger I heard of the term 'rainbow baby' not realising that one day I would be having one too. I don't know if it is classed as that after a fair few years gone by. Either way a baby is so precious and I hope one say I get another to join my family.

I cry a lot for many reasons, I write about how I feel, I never really tell anyone how I feel though. But right now one thing I wish I could do is talk that person I love and just have a big cuddle, to be told that everything will be okay. If you have someone who can do that for you, confide in them and let them help. Don't suffer alone!

Love, Gemma xo

12 comments :

  1. This is a really difficult topic to tackle, and it's really inspiring to see someone approaching it. It must have been a really difficult time for you, false hope is in it's own way a really tough thing to deal with. I think although it can be heart wrenching you just have to focus on the gorgeous little boy that you do have and know that it will all fall into place for you.

    I wish you all the best

    Sammy xo.

    littlefickleblog.blogspot.com

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  2. Oh Gemma :( I wish I could take all your pain away! Such a brave post and I really hope that one day you will have your rainbow baby! My best friend has been through it and every month she gets heartbroken all over again! Sending big hugs xx

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  3. Aw I really hope you get to have another baby someday as you are a brilliant mum to Corey as anyone can see just how much you love him and how much he means to you. I too lost a baby many years ago and I thought I would never have another baby even though I was so broody I was a single mum for a few years but out of the blue I met someone and now I have two babies with him really close in age so if it can happen to me I am sure that one day when you least expect it you get your happy ever after too xxx

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  4. heart breaking to read, you can't be judged by expressing your feelings. I really hope one day soon your life changes for the better xx

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  5. I can feel your pain in your writing. I thank my lucky stars I have never experienced the pain you describe here. I hope writing it all down has been cathartic for you my love and wish you nothing but rainbows for the future, in whatever form they may take xx

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  6. I had a miscarriage. I was 18 - I just try not to think about it and count the blessings I *do* have. Weird topic for me really, if I think about it xx

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  7. I've just realised that may have sounded so blunt - I'm really sorry!!! I didn't mean it to sound as it appears :-( Oh gosh... what an idiot I am. I meant that I don't know what to say and the reason for that it because of my own experience. I'm kind of numb to mine so find it difficult to converse about this to others. Probs just shouldn't have commented at all... gah, I'm really sorry lovely xx #mummymonday

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  8. You're super brave for writing this - I have lots of admiration for you :) I really hope things get better in time for you, which I'm sure they will. You are a lovely lovely person and a fab mum. You have so much going for you and you will get that little brother or sister for Corey one day :) Lots of love xx #mummymonday

    http://www.knottbumpandus.com

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  9. You are so brave for writing this, I don't judge you at all. I'm sure one day your family will grow. I just want to give you a big hug.
    Love of love
    Nivika

    worldbloggers.net

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  10. When your hopes are high and then you realise it's false hope that's just as upsetting :(
    Glad Andrea is keeping your spirits high- even if it is her singing disney songs hahaha.
    xx

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  11. You are so brave, such a hard topic to write about, hugs xx

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  12. There are so many things mummy wants to say, so here goes 'I had a miscarriage before I went on to have 4 beautiful children. I wanted Pickle for two years before i conceived him - I was 40!! There are 10 years between him and my youngest! Keep strong, and positive, and enjoy your beautiful son. The rest will follow, you have years yet. You'e a lovely lady, and mum, please, believe anything is possible' x x #mummymonday

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