Sunday, 8 February 2015



Sometimes I think it is better to not say anything at all, sometimes its better than to deal with all the questions that will be asked. Sometimes all the sympathy in the world, it still doesn't make it better. I have kept something to myself for a little while now, it hasn't helped. It made it worse. I finally opened up to one of best friends earlier today and it made a world of difference.

I sit here now writing this wondering whether I should actually post or not. Writing is my way of letting it out so to speak, not just for me but I know for many others too. People have their own way of dealing with things. This is mine. Whether I publish this or not is a different story but you may find out if you are reading this. My music is very loudly playing as I try to block out my thoughts for just a few minutes, a few minutes without thoughts means a few minutes without tears. It didn't really work out like that though.

So I had this secret, I had this pain, that I hadn't told anyone. I couldn't tell anyone. If I told someone, it made it reality. I cried to myself every day and night. Braving a smile for when Corey was home after school. Probably the hardest thing to do is a fake a smile for the sake of your children so they don't see the pain. But it has to be done.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in a lot of pain every day. I was being sick, I was having a lot of bleeding and some insane cramping pains. I'm sure some of you can guess where this may be going. I spent the whole week at home. Everyone out of my friends and family who knew how ill I was, they told me to go to the doctors. I lied and said I didn't. But I did.

Back in October I wrote a post on Pregnancy, losses and false hope (view here). I wrote how a few years ago, I experienced the pain. I wrote how heart breaking it is to get the false hope of thinking you are pregnant and get that negative test each month. I wrote how I suffered alone. The same has happened. Everyone knows by now how broody I am, all I want is to have more children. All the pregnancy announcements at the moment, I am so happy for all my friends but I do have a bit of jealously each time there is a new announcement waiting for my time to come.

I was scared, I was scared that my worst nightmare was coming true again. The doctors confirmed the worst. I didn't want it to be true. The worst feeling ever is I didn't even know I was pregnant, I didn't know there was a baby starting to grow inside of me. I found out when it was too late. There was nothing I could do. I was helpless. I couldn't of done anything.

Telling people makes it reality, it is making me comes to terms with it, sort of. Hiding the fact that it happened, it didn't change my feelings. It made it worse. When my pains started to fade and the bleeding stopped, I tried to get out and about. I've been carrying on with my driving lessons. I've been trying to see friends. I don't want to deal with all the questions, I don't want all the sympathy. But I'm fed up of having to fake a smile anymore. It doesn't feel right. At the moment I don't even feel whole.

Today was the actual end of an era for something in my life, which was something that was long over due but it still didn't make it easier. It doesn't change the fact it is over and I still have to process it and deal with it. But it just came at the wrong time with everything that I chose to go through alone recently. Whether that person would have been there or not is a different story, who knows. It wouldn't of made it easier. It wouldn't change what has happened.

Last year Harriet wrote a post on how she wasn't dealing with miscarriage, it sums it up all in one. Check it out here. Time was moving forward, people getting on with their lives - but it doesn't forget the feeling.

An old post I wrote was all about what to do when feeling blue, so check it out by clicking here. It is exactly how I spend this weekend with friends. They didn't know what was going on, but they were still there and we watched my favourite movies, ate some nachos and chilli - was yum!

I try to be positive with most things but sometimes there just isn't enough positivity in the world to make things okay. I can wake up every day and get on with life, just like I have been trying. But it eventually caught up with me. Whether its something bad that has happened, grief, or a bad day. It's okay to be sad about it. It is part of the process of moving forward.

Love, Gemma xo

Twitter ❤ Instagram ❤ BlogLovin ❤ Facebook ❤ Pinterest


  1. That is such a brave post to write - I am so sorry for your loss.
    Its good to hear that you are getting out and about and driving will be something really good to focus on.
    Trying to stay positive and pushing feelings/thoughts to the back of your head is easier said than done.
    I do hope your ok, your a fantastic mummy to Corey don't you forget that :) Give your little boy lots of extra love and cuddles.
    Take care

    Gemma xx

  2. I'm so sorry Gemma, as you say that won't help at all it won't make this go away but I am sorry you had to go through this. I am glad though that you now talking about it you have lost and you are grieving like any other person who has lost someone grieves so please be kind to yourself. Lots of love to you xx

  3. Oh Gemma, this is utterly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry for you loss and I'm so sorry you went through this alone. You are an amazing and brave person for putting this out there. I'm sending you lots of hugs! Laura xxxx

  4. So sorry to hear this and you are so brave to write it. I found writing about mine helped me release some feelings that I never knew. I hope you start to feel better soon! :-) big hugs and keep strong! xx

  5. Sending huge hugs your way hun. This was a very hard and brave post to write and sometimes it is good just to let it all out. I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have had to go through this. I really am sending you lots of love and I hope that everything is ok. Get some rest and have some time to grieve and just know that you have a lot of love form the bloggers here as well.


  6. Wish I could give you a hug. I know how much you'd love another child. Nothing in the world will make it easier, but just know that it wasn't meant to be with that baby and you don't know what's around the corner. You're so young you have all the time in the world for it to happen again. While it won't replace or change the hurt you're feeling just try and keep your head up and keep as positive as you can. I know it's hard but fake it until it becomes real xxx

  7. i didnt want to read and run. sending you lots of love and hugs xxxxx

  8. You're such a brave, beautiful woman xxxxx

  9. I'm so sorry to hear your sad news sweetie, that can't have been easy to write. Thinking of you at this hard time, you know where we all are :) #mummymonday

  10. I'm so glad that opening up has made you feel better. You have to do whatever feels right for you to get through this. If being open feels like the right thing that there's no point in holding back. I know what you mean about not wanting to invite sympathy for it's own sake though. It's a hard balance to strike. Sending lots of love your way x

  11. You should be so proud of yourself for writing this, I'm proud of you. I would actually love to speak to you abit more privately as I experienced two very difficult miscarriages one after the other before finally getting my healthy baby at the end of the rainbow. I do want more children but I don't let myself even think about it most days as I am worried sick I'll have to face more losses. I'd love to be able to chat and give you some support everyone needs someone to speak to. Maybe we can chat together? It's okay to be sad, angry, and it's okay to be happy when the time is right for you. I am so sorry you've had to deal with this. My heart goes out to you xxx

  12. I think you are so brave writing and posting this and hopefully it has helped you. No words that anyone will say will heal your pain. I hope time is a great healer for you x

  13. Such a brave post. I can't say any words which will take the pain away, but I'm thinking of you. x #mummymondays

  14. Miscarriage seems to be a taboo subject. I miscarried in 2010. It was hard and very painful and none of my family wanted to talk to me about it. I don't know why, maybe they thought it would upset me but I wanted to talk about it. I think sometimes you have to talk if you can. Thinking of you. xx

  15. I am so sorry Gemma but I hope talking about it helped you to cope! Sending big hugs xx



Blog Design by Bonjour Belle Designs